Pronouncements

I hope it goes without saying that ACAN is fervently apolitical, it being essentially a-everything. I am choosing to discuss my presidential vote simply for the heck of it and want all followers to feel rest assured that their political ideations will be free from the dictates of ACAN theology. I voted for her for lots of reasons. And he’s just so icky.

I don't know what business, if any, ACAN has in the world of television critique. And surely it goes without saying that all followers are free to enjoy and extol the virtue of whatever show they choose. However, effective immediately, all ACAN followers must at least be open to the possibility that The Bear absolutely shit the bed in Season Three! Extended close-ups on pores and wrinkles underscored by ethereal music is NOT brilliance. It's highbrow mediocrity at best. And pretentious, emo-gustatory porn where I’m sitting. Then, throw in the audacity to cliffhang, and I am friggin’ done. Peace and love and check out Bad Monkey on Apple TV.

For the first seven years of my life, I lived on the county line between Montgomery and Bucks counties in Pennsylvania. I was on the Montgomery side, and unbeknownst to me, Ween was on the other side. Though this mattered little at the time, I suppose. My best friend was the neighbor boy next-door, and his property was adjacent to a quarry where we would play, climbing on the rocks and throwing sticks down into the water. A dinner bell would echo off the walls of the quarry calling us home, had we not already headed there of our own will. Shoot! I completely forgot where I was going with this story. I mean, it’s not like I can still hear that bell or anything like that. Oh well dear followers, as always, make of it what you will. Or not.

For reasons too involved (and boring!) to describe, ACAN leadership has been forced to tackle the issues associated with taking photographs in public spaces, particularly local landmarks, like…say… big wooden trolls. Posthaste: Followers will take and post their public pictures anyway they damn well see fit! If they chose to defer to some notion that it is their responsibility to protect random strangers from obscure visibility on some social media post, they may certainly do so, even to the peril of their own sense of perspective and reasonability. But think about it! Occasionally, ACAN believes some version of folksy, common sense MUST prevail. Or not.

A question was recently posed as to under what circumstances might ACAN become involved in an armed, paramilitary struggle. My first reaction was…well, none. After all, ACAN prides itself on not becoming involved in much of anything. And of course, I considered our lack of members and arms, but only briefly. Only to land upon this: ACAN will take up arms against any group or groups that threaten the well-being of beagles. As you were, soldier.

My Maytag dishwasher is a gem. I’ve had it for about 5 years now. It’s quiet and it cleans the dishes really well on the normal cycle. It was relatively inexpensive even with installation which I probably should have done myself but perhaps I was dealing with other, more pressing matters at the time, I don’t really recall. If an ACAN follower is in the market for a new dishwasher, they should probably consider getting a Maytag. Mine is black and unassuming, but I imagine the whole line is probably pretty good. If any follower (or their friends or family) work for Maytag and are in a position to set up some sort of sponsorship deal, they should probably contact me at their earliest convenience.

It's becoming abundantly clear to me that a cult that does not engage in ritualistic sexual abuse needs…something. I mean not eating 3 Snickers bars and rubbing one’s own shoulders is cool…but still. Anyway here are some ideas: we believe / insist that not only is the earth round, but it’s even rounder than most people think; we believe / insist that true enlightenment is an impossibility and that real spiritual transcendence can only be achieved through a kind of wink wink nod nod version of enlightenment; we believe / insist that green and blue are the best colors ever.

Reflection and meditation on love. Generally speaking, ACAN is pro love. However, ACAN is specifically and conspicuously NOT a love cult, though perhaps not to the same extent that it is specifically and conspicuously not a sexual abuse cult either. Bottom line, I believe love is not to be trifled with and ACAN is obviously all about trifling. So, while ACAN followers need not love anything in particular (including 3 specific sports franchises (see October 22,2023)) you probably ought to love something for your own darn good. So here are some suggestions: key lime pie, your life partner, John Coltrane (especially the Atlantic stuff), your children, reruns of The Office, sunrises that might even be a little short, but not too short, of spectacular, a perfectly ripened raspberry, the feeling of clean sheets, effortless banter, the smell of coffee, or the one you’re with.

Further reflections upon the nature of the cosmos, as well as the time-space continuum. Buckle up dear followers it's about to get a little bit bumpy. ACAN is no longer satisfied with the space-time continuum. We now believe and that must adhere to an understanding that a third, fourth, and possibly even fifth continuum is in play. And we are particularly interested in, and deeply moved by, a continuum that I am calling Thanacan. The goings on along this dimension are a little sketchy at the present, but fortunately they become more clear as I meditate upon them. And more good news: still no ritualized, sexual abuse as best as I can tell!

It is with a certain trepidation that ACAN will now delve into cosmology. To wit, followers will now accept the somewhat controversial stance that our universe, which I have rather boldly named The Acanverse, is, in fact, not a full fledged universe but a dwarf universe. I will not bore you with the math and physics but will insist you trust me on this one. Perhaps I will one day welcome feedback and even conversation around this pronouncement, but for the time being it is what it is and an unwillingness to adhere to this understanding will constitute a major breach of the sacred bond. Fortunately, this being ACAN, such a breach will obviously have no consequences. More on the implications of this revelation to follow. Or not.

As 2024 rolls forward, it is becoming abundantly clear that ACAN is struggling to find its footing. Membership would seem to have plateaued. And we're simply not grabbing any headlines. The former issue, I suspect, is mostly an artifact of poor marketing, as I remain steadfastly convinced that our message and methods are beyond approach. As for the latter, I suspect it has something to do with our lack of ritualistic sexual abuse. But here's the thing. I refuse to market beyond the beautiful simplicity of word-of-mouth and T-shirts. And as for ritualistic sexual abuse? That remains a hard NO!

Reflections on a year nearly passed. 363 days. 8712 hours. 522,720 minutes. And of course, 31,363,200 seconds. I mean, the numbers don't lie. Do they speak for themselves? That dear followers, each of you will have to decide for yourself. Or not. So watch the sugar intake. Or not. Keep touching yourself non-sexually. Or not. And a hex on the Dallas Cowboys. I truly believe ACAN just might explode in 2024.